It's always been real
by RadioXactive
Summary: Post war. Pre-epilogue. The star crossed lovers have a lot of work to do on their relationship. With District 12 returning to normalcy, can they too?
1. Chapter 1: The letters

Though it's a day filled with rain in District 12, I wonder and debate whether hunting is an option today. After a huge rumble of thunder I decide it is best I just stay inside. I probably wouldn't have made it out in the woods anyway. Honestly I haven't made it to the woods since the war. I stare out the window of my over-sized house, looking over at the other homes. Only three are occupied. It makes sense though. District 12 only produced three victors after all. I shake that word from my mind- _victors._ I hate to even think about myself as one. It brings on too many awful memories that are associated with that word. I sigh. Greasy Sae is upstairs making my bed- as if I actually sleep in it. With the amount of tossing and turning I usually give up sleeping. What does sleep even feel like anymore? Peeta comes in from the kitchen, crosses the mantel and plops down into an armchair next to the couch. There's an accumulation of boxes and letters in front of him.

"Katniss, don't you think it's time you read these?" I scowl.

"I want to be left alone, there's a phone if some-" I begin my argument but am quickly cut off.

"You don't answer the phone. Ever." Greasy Sae laughs slightly as she stands by the bottom of the stairs now.

"I'll be back over with dinner, Peeta make sure you get her to do something today. Sleeping isn't an option." And with that she is gone. Peeta and I are left alone.

"You really should read some of these." Peeta starts to sort through the letters, disregarding those that are marked with a capitol seal. He knows me well enough to know I do not want an interview. I sit down on the floor and start on a stack of my own. One particularly catches my attention.

"Why write me when we live two doors away from each other?" The question is harshly said.

"Well if you opened your mail more often, you would know those are from when I was in the capitol. It was part of my therapy. After all you're the one that has more answers than anyone when it comes to my questions. You can rip them up if you want. Burn them." He sounds like he doesn't want me to read them almost. All the more reason to do so.

I take the pile of his letters and shove them under the cushions of the couch. I will read them. I find a few more interesting letters. One from Delly, and a few from my mother, one is even from Effie. The rest are ones I couldn't bare to open. I don't want reminders of the war, and I don't want compliments of how "heroic" I am. The past two years of my life have been fully broadcasted to the entire country. I can't be selfish in thinking it was just my life because it was Peeta's too. I look over at him and he looks up at me. It's been way too silent.

He starts "Katniss, I have so many questions and.."

I cut him off immediately, but in the nicest way possible. "I can't talk about them. I know you want answers and I know I'm the only one who has the honest answers, but I can't. I just can't right now okay?" I breathe deeply after my speech.

The phone rings just in time. Peeta jumps up to get it and quite frankly I don't blame him. The silence would have been too difficult to deal with. He must be on the phone with Doctor A. "She's doing okay today" Delay. "Well the mail is finally being read." Delay. "I know, I know. I'll pass the message along." End of conversation. He returns with a message. "Doctor A. says you're making progress. That's something to be proud of. He's going to start sending you letters, as well as packages. You'll need to open them."

Silence overtakes the air.

He continues "He can work wonders you know."

I look into his blue eyes. They aren't as cloudy anymore, and the rage seems to have subsided. I start to think about how far he'd come. When he was first rescued, I couldn't wait to see him. I ran to him and he tried to strangle me. And now we can sit in the same room, feet away and nothing happens. I guess he really can work wonders. I'm so focused on his eyes and lost in thought. Finally I hear him say

"I'll be over for dinner. I have some orders to fill" and just like that he's gone. I immediately pull out the letters from the cushions. I start with the oldest first.

_Katniss,_

_I'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now. The doctor says we should talk though. I have questions, you have answers. It'll help both of us he says._

_-Peeta_

_Katniss,_

_You're the only one that knows the truth. The whole truth. I need to know it. I just want to be me again. I hope all is well with you. _

_-Peeta_

_Katniss,_

_I hope everything is okay with you. The doctor says you aren't answering the phone. You aren't answering to letters either. Once again I say I hope everything is okay. We need each other right now. Well I need you._

_-Peeta_

_Katniss,_

_I've made remarkable progress and will be returning to District 12 soon enough. Maybe then we could talk? I need to know the answers._

_-Peeta_

Okay. They aren't the love letters I thought they would be- After all that would just complicate things more than they already are.

Greasy Sae comes through the door around dusk. I realize I fell asleep in a bed of letters. She sets the stew on the stove. I give her my thanks and she leaves. I drag myself to the kitchen and am overwhelmed by the lovely scent of bread. Peeta must have stopped during the day to bring me some. I eat dinner and am off to bed. The nightmares consume me. Tonight they are of Prim. I see her die probably ten times. My screams fill the air.


	2. Chapter 2: Real or not real?

It's been four days since Peeta has come around. I sit alone in the armchair by the window with my knees to my chest. I want to be alone, but I can't be alone. The only company I have is when Greasy Sae comes to check on me in the morning, and to feed me dinner at night. I start to rehearse my answers for the questions I know will soon come up. Not real, I didn't want to kill you with the tracker jackers. I was trying to kill the careers. Real, we protected each other. That's what we do. Real, the game makers tried to put us against each other. Not real, I brought the berries out as a way for both of us to show we were more than a piece in their games. Then I start to think of the questions he is really going to want answers too. We were engaged, Real or not real? There was a baby. Our baby-Real or not real? You love me. Real or not real? I shutter at the thought of telling him those answers because he isn't going to understand. I'll have to re-live the games. On the fifth day, midday Peeta finally shows up.

"Look, I know you don't want to answer my questions. You have to though. You have-"

"I will" I say looking into his pleading eyes. "We need to do this slowly. One question, a couple at a time please. The answers are going to bring back horrid places." He shakes his head in an understanding way.

I turn from the sink in the kitchen I was leaning on, and walk to a bookshelf. I thumb through the books and I finally find it. The book we worked on together. I hand it to him.

"We can start with this." I say. "It's somewhere to start, and might be able to give you answers that I can't put into words." I give him a half smile, and he goes to sit down in the chair next to the window. I sit down on the couch and wait. After a while, Peeta looks up and asks "Whose book did this family belong too?" Simple question. "Mine, it was my father's. Then after our first games, you and I made it ours. You'd draw, I'd write. It helped us some." He looks through more and more pages. Next question. "Who is the girl I dream about? I've drawn her in here, more than once." I look over at what he speaks of. Rue. I breathe deeply before starting. He looks at me, clearly upset he even asked. My facial expression must say it all. "That's.. That's Rue. She was a victim of the first games." I start seeing her and close my eyes tightly, then open. "She was from District 11, small but quick. My ally." He nods and places his hand on top of mine. The old me would've pulled away quickly, but it's the most contact we've made since his return. It's comforting. Tears slowly stream down my face, I feel them. He stands up.

"I didn't mean to make you cry." Cry. I feel weak and scream at him.

"YOU SHOULD REMEMBER HER! SHE KEPT ME ALIVE, SHE WAS ON MY SIDE WHEN YOU WEREN'T! DON'T EVER TOUCH ME. I AM NOT WEAK!"

And just like that he is gone. He leaves without another word, leaving the book open to a portrait of her. I pick it up and the tears flow more violently. I begin to curse and throw the book across the room. I find peace in a closet. The pants are in front of me, and I in the corner. I'm still crying, but with no harsh breaths. Time has passed quite suddenly. I hear footsteps downstairs and then a light slam of a door. Greasy Sae. Then another pair of footsteps begin. I cower into my corner, the footsteps become louder and heavier.

Of course. Who else could it be?

"Katniss.." I hear from outside of my door. "Katniss, I know. I remember Rue. I remember she kept you alive when I couldn't. Something to fight for, I'm sorry. You need to help me.." I hear him take a seat outside of my door. "And I need to help you. So I am not leaving until you come out!" I sigh and let the darkness overcome my heavy eyelids. I see visions of Rue and the whole death play out in front of me. It happens over and over and over again. The sleep I had fallen into is broken. My screams shatter the serenity. I am kicking and screaming, louder and more violently than I remember ever doing. In the front of the closet is a figure. The figure of a person I forgot was still in the house with me. Peeta starts shaking me. I punch his jaw accidentally, but he refuses to stop until he gets me calm. I finally conclude it was just another nightmare. It was another horror of the night. My tears start to flow. Peeta says nothing, but sits right down next to me. Once the crying subsides, he is able to help me down the stairs and serves me a bowl of soup. He brings the book, and sits down across from me. Silence becomes present. He finally pushes the book towards me. "It hurts us both. We need each other right now. I clearly need you more then you need me. Together can we please start working on this book though? It's going to help- both of us." I nod in agreement because just like he- I need closure and an outlet. He bakes, I normally hunt. Hunting isn't a good choice right now, so the book will suffice. He smiles his schoolboy smile. In that moment I remember Haymitch's words. I could live a hundred lifetimes and still not deserve him.


	3. Chapter 3: We help each other

Sunshine beams through the windows, how did I get here? I don't remember making my way to bed; Peeta must have carried me here from the couch. The last memory I have is working on the leather book with him. I lie in bed and pull the covers over my head. I dread getting up. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. They are particularly heavy today. He stands in the doorway.

"Come on Katniss." Ugh. Why does he have to be so cheery in the morning? Buttercup is now making himself comfortable on the other side of the bed. I reach over in a friendly gesture to pet him, and I lose my pillow. Peeta snatches it, and my comforter soon follows. I lay there. "We help each other. No more doing nothing, I bake, you hunt. At least I think that's how the routine once went. Real or not real?"

I mutter "Real." He smiles brightly. "Today you'll go out. I'll bake. Then we will work on the book." I give him my best sarcastic grin. He waits for me to get dressed, and leave the house. The walk to the woods is quiet, but peaceful. I reach the woods. First instinct is to cry, I hold back though. I am strong. Since the war the woods has surprisingly recovered. New life has sprung up where the dead lost theirs. I lean against a tree, and eventually climb up it. From the branch I shoot three squirrels. Once I retrieve them it becomes clear my shooting is rusty. The first is in the belly, the second in the head, however the third is in the eye. Without a hunting partner the woods are somber. It soon becomes dusk. I gather my kills, stopping at the Hob on the way home. Everyone is surprised to see me I guess. I drop the squirrels off to Greasy Sae. She smiles, I nod in response. An unspoken system we've had for years.

I make it home to find it smells of delicious bread. It's not until then that I realize I had absolutely nothing to eat today, despite the few berries I picked. My stomach aches it is so hungry. There he is, cleaning up his mess. I sit down in a chair at the table. I hope he doesn't have too much to do, because I am really hungry. I look up, only to see him gripping the edge of the sink. His eyes are locked outside the window, and sweat is pouring off his forehead. An episode, a flashback, whatever they call it. "Peeta, Peeta. It's not real. It's not real." His grip looses and eyes lock on mine. I'm standing only a foot away. I am scared. Who knows what he is seeing, but if it's anything like my nightmares- it has to be terrifying. "Peeta." I say softly not knowing how to approach him. He finally mutters "There are pills on the counter. A green, a blue, a white. Could you bring them to me?" His hands are still tightly wrapped around the edge of the sink. I give them to him, and he takes them. His face softens. It's over. He looks so tired; I help him to the couch, and place a washcloth on his forehead. I've seen my mother do it so many times over the years. It's the only comforting thing I can think to do. I sit down on the couch beside him, rubbing his arm gently. He looks up at me.

"You tried killing me with the berries. Real or not real?"

"Not real. The berries were for both of us. The night before our first games, you and I sat up. And you kept thinking of a way to show them you weren't just a piece in their games. I pulled the berries out to show them that." He looks slightly confused but seems to understand. We sit there for a while, and I finally get up to bring food to him, and for myself. Greasy Sae made us chicken stew, and he made cheese buns. I start off by feeding him, but he manages to finish by feeding himself. After the late dinner and after six cheese buns later he grabs the book. He starts drawing a picture of a train car; there are two figures in it. One female, one male. I know for sure that it's us. I study him drawing. I'm so concentrated on the pencil strokes; I barely notice he's looking at me. I make a face, he smiles and looks away.

"You remember details?" I am puzzled as to how he can remember the arrangement of the train's bed car, but not his own family. "I remember things that the capitol couldn't take away from me. I remember being together on the train, never what happened. They did tell me that you and I, umm." I know what he is getting at. The baby, what else? I begin to explain "Not real, it never happened." I bite my bottom lip and shrug. His tongue wets his bottom lip, his eyes focused on the rug. "Do you have nightmares?" He asks. I nod slowly. "Yes." I don't want to tell him how frequently, or how terrifying they are because I'll look weak. He whispers "Me too." I can't imagine the intensity of his nightmares. His are probably worse than mine. I didn't have the capitol tinker with my mind. He did though. I start to feel how heavy my eyelids are, and lay down on the couch. He's still drawing though, staring so intensely. The movements of his hand are art.


	4. Chapter 4: Horrors of the night

It's in the early morning hours when I wake. Is it possible I had a sleep; a sleep that consisted of no nightmares- no mutts, or children's deaths? Peeta is in the same spot as he was when I succumbed to the darkness. He looks so peaceful sleeping. I move closer to examine him. That is when I notice the circles under his eyes. His face is hard, no longer boyish. Whether it be the games, or the capitol, or the war- I'll never know at what point it changed. The blonde hair is swept in a way that exposes his scars. I put my hand out and run my fingers softly over his scars. I'm crouched beside him at this point, still running my fingers softly over his scars. He stirs in his sleep slightly causing me to retract immediately. I don't know if a flashback of distorted memories could cause him to wrap his hands around my throat again. No. No he wouldn't. My thumb runs over ever so slightly, I try to imagine the variety of awful things that could've caused it. Was it our first games or the second? Maybe it was the capitol or the actual war? I look down to see his eyes are staring softly at me.

"Hey." I let out in an almost whisper. The sides of his mouth pull up into a tiny smile.

"No nightmares?"

"No nightmares. You seemed pretty peaceful yourself."

"I was." Peeta notices my eyes are still on his scars. "Katniss, these scars aren't your fault. I was protecting you."

"Protecting me?"

"You told me that was what we did, the night before we went down those streets in the Capitol. I asked if it was real. You said it was." I smirk in the early morning hours. He remembers something. It's something that is the answer for so many of his questions really. We survived all that we have because we protect each other.

It becomes a routine of ours. Peeta bakes. I hunt. We meet for dinner. We work on the book. And eventually we both fall asleep from exhaustion. Peeta usually stays the night, if he doesn't he stays until two, sometimes three. That's enough time for me to accumulate some hours of sleep. When he leaves the nightmares consume my solitude. Lately they have escalated to those of Peeta. I see him helpless in the capitol, and around him are white roses that smell of blood. He's in a room with all these wires running into his veins. There's a monitor and a "doctor". He tells Peeta the lies that are what he calls his memories. I'll wake and pace. Then Peeta will be over to make sure I am out the door. Today is a bad day for me. I'm sitting on the floor of my bathroom, knees to my chest- I'm shaking with fear in my eyes. I woke up- only to vomit from the smell of roses. Now I am balled up; seeing flashes of Rue, Prim, Foxface, Cato, Finnick, Peeta… all dead. Peeta finds me as if he knew exactly where I was all along. He sits down beside me, eyes looking just slightly past me. He's sitting with his knees up and his face on his fist. No words are exchanged. The tears slowly fall and just like the nights on the train, I put my head into his chest. He's bewildered, but wraps his arms around me. His right hand rubs my arm up and down. It's soothing- and the only affection I've accepted since I returned.

"Shh, tell me what you saw." He finally says when the tears have finished.

I can't, but there's something that makes me blurt it out.

"It was you, and Prim, and Rue, and Finnick. All dead." I mutter, clutching his shirt in my fists.

"I used to have nightmares about losing you. Real or not real?" This is not the time to play this game. Then I remember how selfish I am for keeping so many answers to myself. I wasn't hijacked by the capitol. He was. Poor innocent Peeta- so lost.

His hand stops and I answer. "Real. Then you would realize I was okay." I try to beat around the fact we spent nights together on the train before the Quarter Quell. I don't need to make this confusing for the two of us.

He nods. "Hey." He says in a sweet little schoolboy voice. "I'm going to do my orders here today. You can help me. I'm not leaving you today."

"Okay." By late morning Peeta has me downstairs with him. He gave me some dough to work with, but let's face it; baking will always be his thing for a reason, just like hunting will always be my thing for a reason. My braid is really a poor excuse right now, so I start re-braiding. Peeta looks over and tilts his head slightly before saying:

"You used to wear your hair in two braids instead of one- Real or not real?"

"Real." I smile a little bit. He remembers. How I don't know. Mid-day is very boring. Peeta is really involved in his bread, and I'm not helping. I just keep eating. He smiles though each time he notices another cheese bun missing. I decide I will go to the woods. I won't shoot, just collect some plants, set some traps. The ones_ he _taught me.


	5. Chapter 5: The hard questions

Once outside of the house I notice a familiar figure across the way. His drunken self is looking just as bad as before, possibly even worse. He glances in my direction, and then does a double take. We haven't seen each other since we came back. I spent all my time inside until recently. And he spends all his time with a knife in one hand and a drink in the other.

"Sweetheart, you're finally going out!" His words slur out. I cross the ground between the two of us.

"And you're still in the same clothes, nothing has changed." I say bitterly. He makes a sloppy bow and smirks.

"You're not all that great looking yourself." My eyes narrow, and scowl. He doesn't get the idea that I don't appreciate his rude remarks. He continues on:

"You weren't picked up by the capitol, and somehow that boy looks in better shape then you do." I didn't know Peeta was visiting him.

"You've seen him?" I try to play dumb. Acting like I haven't seen him.

"You haven't? I see him leave your house in the early morning hours, and come when the sun sets. Glad to see you two together _again_." I lunge at him; he stops my fist from hitting his face. It's one swift motion.

"Girl on fire is still burning. Good to see you are still a fighter. What are you two now? Victors? Survivors? Friends? Star-crossed lovers?" My nostrils flare, my voice becomes harsher than usual.

"We are not star-crossed lovers." I spit out the words. He releases my fist, pushing it down at my side. Haymitch walks to his door but turns around for one last word.

"You said that before. Then we found you two together in bed. Not to mention the time you clawed my face for not saving him. Sure about that sweetheart?" His words hang in the air and he closes the door behind him. I shake the conversation off. It has been so long since we were star-crossed lovers.

Despite Haymitch's words I do well in the woods. I am able to collect some walnuts, herbs for Peeta, and catch a rabbit with the snare. Sigh. I sit down; it's still too early to go home. Not to mention I am not ready for the questions. I have to regroup my thoughts. I don't know what questions will arise from him tonight. They aren't going to get easier. He's going to start asking about whom we are, what we are together. I feel it. I know it is coming soon.

The sun sets with a sky that is filled with the shades of orange. Peeta's favorite color is included. Maybe I will have to take him to see it sometime. After gathering my few finds, off to the Hob it is. I don't know what it is, but I get a bunch of looks the moment my foot steps on the grounds. Greasy Sae is my only stop for my rabbit is all hers.

I nod and begin to walk away, but she stops me.

"I appreciate this Katniss, I've always appreciated it. Seeing you out is really nice. Seeing you healthier is a breath of fresh air." I've never been good with words, so I nod once more and head home as the sun fully sets.

Peeta is staring intensely at the television- something I never watch. He doesn't even move a muscle when I arrive. Then I see what he is so engrossed in. It's the interviews before our Quarter Quell. If it was possible- I would wish Cinna had designed me a sweater of invisibility. Mine is first. He must've waited until I left to watch them, and he probably wasn't expecting me for another few minutes. I take a seat next to him on the couch. I come out in the wedding dress of President Snow's choice. The dress was beautiful; Cinna's things were always so beautiful, but what an awful pick. President Snow picking it was just another chain he had around me. Caesar Flickerman starts with his opening question;

"Is there anything you'd like to say?" I pull my knees into my chest; Peeta's eyes are still glued. My response was "Only that I'm so sorry you won't get to be at my wedding…but I'm glad you at least get to see me in my dress. Isn't it just…the most beautiful thing?"

Peeta whispers something but I can't make it out. I turn into a Mockingjay and my interview concludes with loud roars from the audience. Peeta's eyes never leave the screen, but I burry my head into my hands. I know what is coming up. I remember Peeta's interview so clearly, watching it just makes it come back to life. I peep through my fingers until I hear Peeta on the television; then my hands go straight to my ears, and my eyes close tightly. I still hear it though.

Caesar: "You realized there was never going to be a wedding?"

Peeta: "Caesar, do you think all our friends here can keep a secret?"

Caesar: "I feel quite certain of it."

Peeta: "We're already married."

I am wishing he would just stop the recording, because I already am going to have to explain this tonight. I don't need to explain the baby tonight too.. And just like that-almost on cue comes up the bomb of Peeta's announcement. The tape cuts right after. We sit in the quite darkness of the night, just the fire place smoldering. My hands are still cupped over my ears, my eyes shut, and my knees to my chest. I don't know how long it is until he moves. He scoots closer to me; taking my hands from my ears, cooing my name until my eyes open slowly, yes there are tears forming.

He holds my hands in my lap, mostly so they don't try covering my face.

The question is so innocent. "We were married- Real or not real?" Pause. "It was point blank but I need to know- real or not real?" I answer with familiar tears rolling.

"Not real. It was part of the games…You wanted it so badly to be real though. I don't know if I did or not. That's not something I never figured out. You said it because you could move an entire audience. You know that? You stopped everyone's heart with the whole "She came here with me" the first games. The second time it was with our secret marriage." Staring at the wall he asks the second question.

"You were pregnant. It was mine-real or not real?" He seems so broken by my first answer I don't want to answer the next. I manage to spit out:

"Not real. Another part of the games- you trying to protect me, protect us really. Saying that, well you could've earned us sponsors. I don't really know what you thought it would do; it made all the victors band together though. And it made all of them in the arena protected you and me."

He sighs heavily. I curl up so my head is in his lap.

"I'm sorry Peeta. I'm so sorry. You wanted it all to be real so badly."

He puts his arm over me, just like he did in our first games.

"I've had nightmares about it. I needed to know if it was all real." His blue eyes meet mine. "When I'm not here- the nightmares consume the night. I don't sleep."

I just lay there. My words come out faster than I can filter.

"We used to sleep together on the train." His eyebrows rise.

"I thought that wasn't real- you told me it wasn't real."

I take a deep breath. "What the capitol said was not real. We spent nights together on the train car, stopped the nightmares." He looks at me and wants me to continue. So I do.

"Neither of us could ever sleep, you'd wander and I would be terrorized by images. You came in one night during my screams, stayed with me, and then we realized together we could get through the night." He smirks a little to himself and then he locks eyes with me. His eyes are pleading. "Can we?" You can't say no to his voice, so I don't. I stand up without another word and walk up the stairs. I stop midway. He understands. Peeta rises from the couch and follows behind me. I hold out my hand on the stairs; he takes it. The footsteps of his are heavy on the stairs- Buttercup goes dashing past us. Peeta smiles that schoolboy grin of his and shrugs. We make it to my room, he leaves me to change. Then I do the same. Once I re-enter the room; I open the windows- not a lot, but enough for a slight breeze.

"You like sleeping with them open." I say softly, and then lie down in bed.

"I remember."

I curl up under the covers; he gets in and immediately brings me to his chest. I don't contend. I don't argue. I allow it, because for the first time we can truly sleep. There are no servants to scare, no Effie to explain too, no schedule to adhere to. Just sleep.


	6. Chapter 6: No nightmares

I wake from a cold gust of air. Why is the window open? I roll over to find a blonde male sound asleep. I forgot Peeta slept over. He's snoring softly. I have a smile and fall asleep once more.

When the sun is fully up, I awake too. An arm is still draped across my torso. The blue meets the grey.

"No nightmares?" He asks, not fully awake just yet.

"No nightmares." I blink and yawn obnoxiously, trying to adjust to the light.

"It worked for both of us then." He smiles; I do too -which is a very rare thing for me, but it's been happening more often.

"I appreciate this" He says and then continues "It's nice to know we can kind of pick up where we left off. Not to mention I enjoy the sleep." He starts to get up from the bed, I grab his hand quickly. He moves a piece of hair from my face.

"Stay." He lies back down; I curl into his chest. With his arms around me, I feel safe.

"Always." He whispers.

We spend the day in bed-drifting in and out of sleep. Then the questions start.

"You wanted to save me in the Quarter Quell-real or not real?"

"Real, Haymitch chose me the first time; the second was your turn to live."

"We called out each for each other before the end- real or not real?"

"Real, we should've been together. Then we wouldn't be in this mess."

He is finally getting the answers he so desperately deserves. We're both asleep when I hear a door slam from downstairs, and Haymitch's voice.

"That baker boy has a stash!" Peeta is awake too from the sound of the door. The two of us stay silent. But the shouts become louder. There are footsteps on the stairs. Our eyes grow wide. Peeta and I are still sitting as motionless and silent as we can.

Haymitch shouts

"Come to think of it- you both have a stash! I'll find it. I'm not leaving without it!" It's true, he won't leave without it, so I gesture Peeta to the bathroom. He tries to be as quiet as possible but with a prosthetic leg isn't virtually impossible. Thud! Haymitch swings the bedroom door open. I'm standing there like a deer who has just met his match, and poor Peeta is on the floor. My old mentor's eyes go from Peeta, to me, from me to Peeta.

Peeta whispers "I'm sorry." It's not loud enough for Haymitch to hear though. We all are exchanging glances Haymitch lets out a small chuckle, an amused grin makes it way across his worn face.

"Well, well, well. Do you want to explain Sweetheart?"

My eyes squint at him.

"-really none of your business is it?" I snap at him.

Peeta is getting back to him feet slowly.

"Katniss. It is okay." He says in a calm tone.

Haymitch chimes in.

"Yeah, it's okay. It's not something I thought I would live to see again."

I roll my eyes in frustration. Why can't Peeta just be a little less kind sometimes? He could've just kept his mouth shut. Peeta takes a seat on the edge of my bed.

"So how're you?" He asks Haymitch.

"I'd ask you the same question, but I already know the answer." I scowl.

Haymitch continues; "I'd ask about my star-crossed lovers, but all I really want is a drink. And I know you have it stashed in the bathroom here."

"We are not star-crossed lovers." I state very bluntly. Peeta stares at me. I look his way at catch his gaze.

"-Seems like you two are too busy, so I'll get it myself." Haymitch says and walks into my bathroom. Peeta is still staring at me. His face says it all; he's confused and definitely has some questions now. I whisper "I'll explain. Promise." I walk into the bathroom to assist Haymitch. He can't find any of the alcohol he came for. I give him a sarcastic sincere apology.

"Sorry, I guess you'll have to get cleaned up now and buy it yourself. I hear the train is coming in tomorrow, around two." He curses under his breath. A door slams- at this point I am assuming it was the front door. We come out of the bathroom to any empty bedroom. I call out his name. No answer.

"Damn you Haymitch! Just when I get him to a good place, you manage to piss him off." I am in his face, he is in mine.

"You ever so clearly _failed_ to tell him the full story!" I scream at him to leave; he obliges. I follow him downstairs and slam the door behind him violently. I go to sit down on the couch, and accidentally sit on the book. I begin to flip through it, Peeta has been adding without me. There are new illustrations of the game arenas. There are new portraits of the fallen. Finnick is one of them. Its times like these that I wish I still had the string he gave me. It kept my brain fingers busy, mind focused on something besides the mess going on around me. I spend the remainder of the day in the chair next to the window- falling in and out of sleep; my old routine. The night arrives. Slowly, I drag myself to the bed. I know I won't sleep tonight.


	7. Chapter 7: The truth comes out

_Finnick and I are in the jungle. He's being tortured by the screams of Annie. I keep telling him it'll be okay. When we trying getting out of the wedge- we aren't able too. Peeta and Johanna are on the other side, and that's when it happens. Another tribute knocks Finnick out from behind. They stare at me, but the time is over. I am able to run from the jungle just as the tribute throws a knife. It misses me, but I turn around only to see Peeta on the ground. The knife has hit him. Peeta is on the ground, a deadly weapon in his chest. He's breathing rapid, short breaths, and above him is the tribute, the tribute that killed Finnick, and now Peeta. But it's not a tribute, it is President Snow. His smile is wicked, he smells of roses, and I am his next victim._

I wake up gripping for my partner. He's not there though. Peeta is not there. My head is spinning, and my stomach is doing summersaults. I run to the bathroom, only to hug the toilet. There's nothing for me to even vomit up, so what does come up is almost essential to my body. Sitting on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet, with tears streaming down my face is not my idea of a good night. Who knew two and a half years ago that I would be here? No Prim to comfort me, or mother to take care of me. There's a knock on the door. I swear if it's Haymitch I will stab him. Slowly standing up, I grab a pair of hair scissors from the vanity. Cautiously I walk down the stairs. Nobody comes here at this hour to visit. There's another light knock. I open the door and Peeta comes barging in. I drop the scissors; he embraces me into a bear hug. It's unexpected, so I stand there until he releases me. He's talking so quickly it is hard to catch it all.

"Katniss, Katniss I am so sorry for earlier. I am just so confused! I hate all of this- not knowing crap. Everyone has to tell me who I am! I can't deal with it, I think I get pieces of my life to sit in place and then it doesn't fit. I just- I just need you."

My eyes fall sad. I put my arms around him, he returns his. I whisper into his ear how sorry I am repeatedly. We end up in my room, lying in my bed for a second night now. The window is cracked, I bring him tea. He looks at me in the moonlight. I can't look into his eyes without feeling guilt. I am so selfish. No matter how many answers I give him, they will never be good enough. I try to help but destroy what I build. I stare at the wall; his eyes are still on me.

I begin.

"You've had these feelings for me since I was five, and saved my life when I was eleven. It wasn't just my life you saved- it was my families too. After the reaping I realized how much you impacted my life. We never spoke of it. Then when Caesar asked about a special girl back home- you brought up me. I thought it made me look weak, so I pinned you against a wall. But from that point forward, you and I were always known as the-" I pause and do my best imitation of Haymitch's voice "-star-crossed lovers from district twelve."

I finally let my eyes fall upon his.

"We were always the star-crossed lovers. It wasn't true, but you certainly made it believable. Just another part of the games though..." I say silently. He sighs.

"We are friends now Katniss."

"I know. I'm just trying to give you the answers you so desperately deserve." I shrug a little and begin to cry again. He holds me. I give myself such a terrible headache; I fall asleep on his chest. I'm jolted awake, Peeta is screaming my name in his sleep. It's not an angered scream, but one full of pain. The painful scream is an indication that I can shake him.

"Peeta, Peeta. I'm here it's alright!" His eyes fly open and there's a breath of relief. His blue eyes are full of water. He's drenched in sweat, so I help him take off the soaked shirt and throw it on the other side of the room.

"Stay with me." He sniffles out.

"Always Peeta. Always." I reply. He holds me close to him for the rest of the night. I never fall back to sleep though. It's not that I am afraid of nightmares, because I won't have any. Peeta is here. I am safe. But I can't shake a feeling that turned its head tonight. I felt it when I saw him cry. I can't bear to see him in pain. But it's the same feeling I had on the beach in our second games.

At the crack of dawn I slip out of the house, and head to the woods. I write on Peeta's arm; "Be home soon. –K." before leaving. The crisp morning air is refreshing. Once I get to the woods I retrieve my bow and arrows. A deer is wondering for the first time in months, years even. I debate shooting it, in the end I let it live. All together I end up with a squirrel, two birds, and a rabbit that was caught with the snare. By the time I am done, the sun is fully out- noon by the looks of it. I bag my catches. On my way to the Hob, I try to avoid the path that leads past my old house. Instead I take the path that goes by the Mellark's bakery. It's nothing but a pile of ruble now. Once I reach my destination I see a blonde figure just across the way. He's walking with a slight limp. That walk can only belong to Peeta. I race over to him, my game bag on my shoulder.

"Hey!" I shout about one hundred yards away from him. He stops and walks my way. He has a box full of goodies; he must've just come from the train station.

"When will you be getting back?" He asks, and holds out his arm that I wrote on. "Soon, I hope. I made some cheese buns for dinner. I think they are you favorite- Real or not real?" He sounds serious so I answer.

"Real, I'll be back as soon as I drop these-" I gesture to my bag "-off to Sae."

"I'll come with you, and for the record I was just joking. I know they are your favorite." He says with a smile and follows me off to the Hob. Recently I thought I was given strange looks, but when I stroll in with Peeta behind me it becomes quiet. Everyone starts smiling, and of course Peeta- being Peeta smiles back. He even makes small talk with another vendor while I do business with Greasy Sae. When I am finished, I grab his hand to go home. We walk from the Hob with no words spoken; hand in hand. We pass a few people on the way home, all of their faces light up at the sight of us. It isn't until we reach Victors' Village that Peeta makes a remark.

"Katniss, why was everyone staring?"

"Because they probably think it's nice to see their two victors returning to normalcy."

"Or they think the star-crossed lovers are back together" says a raspy voice. Haymitch is stumbling over our way. He must have caught the supply train today- I say that for two reasons; one he almost never misses it, and two he is carrying a box in one hand and has a wine bottle in the other. I give him a death stare. Peeta just smiles.

"Are the star-crossed lovers back together?" the drunken man asks. Peeta and I exchange glances.

I firmly tell him "No."

"Well if you want everyone to think you are, and cause attention you're doing it the right way." His head gestures to our locked fingers. I immediately let go and take a deep breath.

Haymitch continues "You can't be walking around like that and expect everyone else to think nothing of it." I know he is right, but I would never admit it. All three of us stand in an awkward silence. It's Peeta who breaks it.

"Haymitch, would you like to join us for dinner?" I want to bang my head against the stone wall. I want to scream at him for even asking. Haymitch says every right thing to piss me off-and a dinner with him would probably result in more nail marks on his face.

Haymitch seems to be reading my mind; he smiles smugly and replies "Yes."

"Great, Katniss-you can call Greasy Sae and tell her not to worry about us tonight?" Peeta's voice is hopeful. I fake a smile for him, and he smiles back-his eyes shining. We continue our walk to my house; Haymitch says he'll be over soon. I call Greasy Sae to tell her we will be cooking tonight. She seems relieved, and says she will finally get into Haymitch's house to clean without a death threat, or knife in the wall. I laugh, and we hang up. Peeta is in the kitchen. The box he had was full of baking supplies. There's a small box inside addressed to me-it is from the doctor. I sigh and open it; inside are a few pill bottles- one is full of white ones; they are marked for PTSD/Anxiety, the next is full of blue; they are marked for sleep, the third bottle contains green; those are marked for nightmares, and the fourth bottle has pink; marked for depression. Two are to be taken daily; the other two are only when needed. There's a letter that tells about if I have any questions or concerns- I can call him. He will be calling me weekly for sessions so I have to answer the phone. I push the box and letter away from me, because I feel someone standing over me. It's our house guest.


	8. Chapter 8: Dinner with a mentor

"Can I help you?" I ask bitterly. Peeta intervenes before Haymitch can make a remark.

"Dinner is served." He says placing the cheese buns in reach of me. I don't say anything. All I can think about is the last dinner the three of us really had together. It was before our second games, it was the last time things were normal; well as normal as anything ever was between us. I focus on the kitchen wall, trying to forget. Haymitch and Peeta are having nice conversation though. I tune most of it out, so focused on the wall. I don't even notice the conversation has stopped until I hear my name. Peeta has to call my name a few times to get my attention.

I ask "what?" Haymitch starts laughing. Peeta chuckles but tells me what I missed.

"Haymitch asked if we were living together permanently."

"You usually respond immediately to that kind of thing, something wrong Mockingjay?"

"No, nothing is wrong" I say picking at my third cheese bun.

Peeta looks at me concerned, but doesn't pursue the question of whether there truly is anything wrong. Dinner finishes up, Peeta clears the table and Haymitch turns on the television in the other room. I creep over to the box with all my new medications. I try to be discrete, and not to worry Peeta, but he notices. He keeps the faucet running so Haymitch doesn't hear.

"Katniss?" his voice is so soft.

"I'm fine. Really." I tell him as I ingest the pink and white pills. He sighs and pulls me into a hug. I return it.

"We can talk about this later." I groan, but I don't argue. I go into the other room to sit beside Haymitch while Peeta finishes the dishes. Haymitch starts questioning me.

"So sweetheart, are you living together?" I shrug in response. I don't even know if we are. He starts to have a real conversation with me.

"You look a lot better. A lot better then you did when we first came back. So does he."

"And you still look like hell." I try joking with him but he gives me a stern look.

"Some people deal better after trauma." He gestures to the whiskey in his glass. "I am not one of them." I let out a small laugh. The sound of a glass breaking stops us in our conversation.

"Peeta?" I say loudly, but there is no response. Haymitch and I both go running into the kitchen. Peeta is there, a tea cup on the floor- broken to pieces. I'm not worried about that, but I am worried about the boy with the bread. Haymitch walks closer to him, his right arm out in a defensive stance- protecting me. He tells him.

"Peeta. It's Haymitch and Katniss." Peeta doesn't move his hands are clenched in fists.

"Peeta." I say. "Your name is Peeta Mellark. You are from district twelve. You are a baker. You survived two hunger games, a war, and a capitol hijacking. Whatever you are seeing isn't real. This is Katniss Everdeen. I'm from district twelve. We were allies in both games, and protected each other. We were lovers, allies. We are now friends. We live together now in district twelve. Everything is okay." I say, it's the only thing I can think to say. The monologue seems to have worked. His fists un-clench and his eyes blink. "Katniss?" He asks lightly.

"Yes, Peeta it's me." I say just as softly. I tell Haymitch to get the pill bottles from the box. He brings them to me; I administer one white, one pink, and one green to him. Haymitch seems amazed that I am able to get through to him-even during a flashback. The two of us help him upstairs to my bedroom and lay him down. We leave him there alone, and go downstairs to finish our visit.

"It's shocking how you aren't afraid that he will strangle you again" he says.

"Because I know he won't. He won't hurt me. At least I don't think he will" I tell him.

"You have to be careful sweetheart. That boy is still a danger." I shrug and hear a thud from upstairs. Haymitch gestures for me to go upstairs and investigate. I grab a pillow from the closet and hand it to Haymitch.

"Just in case- you can stay here tonight." I walk into my room to find Peeta on the floor, sweating terribly.

"Peeta?"

"Katniss?"

"Yes."

"I need a blue pill." I nod and pull one from my pocket. His shirt is soaked once again. I help him take it off, and help remove his prosthetic leg. I flinch a little, but don't let it bother me. After changing into a nightshirt, and pair of cozy pants I curl up into bed with him. He's sound asleep, but I hear him mutter something. I lean in closer.

"I love you Katniss" He says in his sleep.

I smirk a little and lay my head back down on my own pillow. I don't know why he said it. I try not to think about it, he was unconscious. My eyes are studying his face, but my eyelids are falling tired. Pretty soon I am out.


	9. Chapter 9: Was it real?

It's the middle of the night when I wake up. There are hands around my throat, and they are squeezing tighter and tighter by the second. His eyes are full of rage. They are full of anger. I am screaming for him to let go. He won't. I am terrified. Peeta is actually strangling me. Haymitch was right. But in a second Peeta is trying to comfort me, telling me it was just a dream. I am screaming at him to stay away.

"Katniss, you were dreaming. It was the blanket. You must've had it near your neck when I tried to pull some back over. Does your neck actually hurt?"

"My throat does."

"From the screaming. Katniss-"

He attempts to come closer, but I grab my knife from my dresser.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" I scream and run out of my house-fleeing from him. It's the middle of the night though. Maybe a little past midnight to be precise- where do I go? The woods? No. There are too many creatures that roam at night. I can't hide in my own house, but then I notice the light across from my yard. Haymitch mustn't have stayed at my house, I wouldn't have noticed if he had. I run to his house and knock on his door rapidly. He opens the door with hesitation. Nobody ever knocks. I barge through the door, sobbing. He looks so confused. I start trying to tell him.

"He-he had his hands around my throat!" I stammer out.

"Sweetheart, are you sure?"

"He. Tried. Killing. Me."

"Could have been a dream."

"NO HE HAD HIS HANDS AROUND MY THROAT!" I scream at him.

He takes a seat back to where he was sitting, and turns his attention to whatever television program he had on. I curl up into an arm chair that faces the kitchen. I lay in fetal position silently crying. My hand touches my neck gently. I am so terrified of what will happen, so I fight off my drossiness to stay alert. After about an hour or two, there's a light tap on the door. I go silent, no sniffling, no squeals, no anything. I pull myself into a tighter ball. Haymitch groans.

"Can I get any peace around here?! God dammit." He mutters. He pulls himself up from the lumpy couch; on his way to the door he makes eye contact with me. My eyes grow wide with fear. He seems to understand, he always does. The door opens, but he doesn't let Peeta past the stairs.

"Haymitch is she here?"

"Katniss? Why the hell would she be?"

Peeta sighs. "Because she thinks I tried strangling her."

"You did."

"Tonight."

"Well, did you?"

"NO!" He's admint, but I know he is a clever liar.

"You didn't have one of your crazy episodes and sleepwalk over to her house? No chance?"

"No. I was awake—no episodes. I take those awful pills so it won't happen again**…**The side effects…you don't want to know." He recovers from his sidetrack.

"I woke up because she had all the blanket. I tugged some back over. It touched her neck and she started screaming. Took me forever to wake her up."

"So you were sharing at blanket in the middle of the night?"

Nightmares are bad, but this question knocks the wind out of me. I might have forgotten to mention we had been sharing a house longer than he knew, and might have left out that Peeta and I do share a bed. Peeta doesn't answer.

"Surprised it took this long," Haymitch shakes his head. "Go kiss and make up."

Peeta snorts.

"Oh and take her home will ya? She's in that chair and I'm trying to watch TV."

Where are those nighttime glasses when I need them? I would have loved to see Peeta's reaction.

Peeta walks over; kicking what might be soiled laundry out of the way. "Katniss?" he looks down at me.

"Hey."

He shakes his head at me, but appears to be smirking. "Hi," he says in a shy schoolboy voice.

If this was the time to apologize, I would. But I just couldn't. "You didn't do it?"

Beside the chair, he crouches down.

"No. I wouldn't do that. I'm not going to ever do that." Is he lying or telling the truth?

Haymitch is tapping is foot. I'm so tired, I really can't move myself. Peeta carries me back to my house. After reaching the threshold, Peeta takes my hand to lead me to a mirror on the wall. He stands behind me and turns on a light.

"Do you see any marks?" After I thoroughly examine I tell him

"No."

"There would be if I touched you, don't you think so?" He says softly.

"Yes- but there could still be bruises forming."

"Okay, well if you see them in the morning let me know." I can tell he's a little bitter that I would think so lowly of him- that he would actually wrap his fingers around my throat once more. There are no more words exchanged between us. We meet in the bed. He doesn't bother sleeping close, frankly I don't blame him. Finally, after a long night though I am able to let my body rest. I know he was with me when I went to bed.

But when I wake there is no one next to me. Swinging my legs over the bed side, I catch a glance of myself in the bathroom mirror. There are no bruises on my flesh. Once I drag myself down the stairs, I inhale the scent of bread. Of course, he's in the kitchen. Where else would he have gone? There's a variety of breads on the counter, one with herbs (Assuming the ones I picked), cheese buns, rolls with cinnamon toppings. He turns around to see me with my nose right next to his creations. Immediately he comes over to me. I look him right in the eye, my eyes tear up.

"I'm so sorry Peeta." I sob. He pulls me into his chest.

"I'm so sorry. You didn't hurt me." His hand smoothes my hair down over and over again.

"Shhh. I forgive you." It's almost a whisper. He leans down and presses his lips to my forehead.

I pull myself from his chest and kiss his cheek lightly. His face lights up, a huge grin makes its way across his face.

"Peeta, how many orders do you have today?"

"Just another two, but they should be finished shortly, why?" He asks curiously.

"I want to show you something." I say. "It's in the woods."

His head nods a little. "Okay."


	10. Chapter 10: Learning something new

The phone rings just as I am about to get descend upstairs to get dressed. I answer hesitantly.

"Hello?"

"Good morning Katniss. This is Doctor Aurelius. I'm calling for our session." There's a background noise of papers being ruffled around. I groan. Peeta lets out a chuckle and returns to his baking.

"So how're you today?"

An instinct tells me to lie. "Fine." I say coolly. "Just fine."

"Katniss, I can see through the lies." He says very bluntly. "How are the nightmares?"

I suddenly want to tell him that almost every night is full of them, and the only time they aren't like that are when Peeta is with me. But even then I can have them. They just aren't as often, or severe. I want to tell him about the deaths I see of Prim, Rue, Finnick, Peeta, Cinna, even Haymitch! I want to blurt out the dream about the peacekeepers. I'm in the school. For every answer I get wrong they blow up a grade section- starting with kindergarten. Little ones died all because I couldn't remember the difference between two types of coal. I don't even realize that I started telling him until he chimes in.

"What I want you to do is continue taking the white and pink medications. As well as the green, you are to take two of those before bed until further notice. Do you understand?"

"Yes." I mumble.

"I trust you and Peeta are speaking now?"

"Yes. We are."

"You're doing the right thing Katniss. Helping him will help you. I look forward to speaking with you next week." Doctor Aurelius ends the phone call. I hang the phone back on the wall. I rush up the stairs to change, when I return Peeta is already by the door- all ready to go. He opens the door.

"Ladies first" he mutters and gestures me out the door. I smirk a little; no one had ever done that for me. At least not since my father pasted. I walk out the door and pull Peeta's hand to follow me. We walk with our hands locked to the woods. As soon as we arrive I put my index finger to my lips. Even though I know he can't exactly stay silent, he attempts too. I grab my bow and arrows that are hidden in a tree. His facial expression spells out confusion.

"I'm teaching you how to shoot."

"Katniss, I ca-" Cutting him off, I put the bow and arrow into his hands.

"You can. I'll teach you." He sighs in defeat.

We spend the rest of the morning, and part of afternoon working on his shooting skills. He's not half bad honestly. All though the first few shots he makes barely hit the tree, by mid afternoon he is accurately shooting, he even manages a squirrel. It's sloppy, and in the stomach- he'll never be like me. He retrieves his kill. His smile is so bright.

"Katniss! Katniss look! I did it!" excitement is in his voice. I nod and smile.

"There are herbs in the field a half a mile from here."

"I'd like that." So we hike to the spot. He goes crazy gathering new herbs for his bread.

I take a seat and drift into a little nap. Peeta is sitting beside me when I wake, he smiles.

"Well hello there."

"Hi." I say sheepishly. Then I realize the time of day it is- evening. Perfect, because he will be able to see a sunset-a beautiful sunset that reminded me of him so many weeks ago. Propping myself up on my elbows, Peeta moves closer. He looks amazed at sight on the horizon. It's like he is a blind man seeing for the first time, he's only looked at one other thing like that before- me.

"That's what I wanted to show you." I say standing up.

"It's amazing." He says. I know it will take us a bit longer to get home-so we leave, but every so often I see him glancing back in the direction of the sunset. He grabs my hand, and we make our way out of the forest. While on our way to the Hob, I avoid the roads like I always do that lead to my house. However I forget that my particular path leads right by the rubble of a bakery. Peeta lets go of my hand and just stares at it. There are tears forming. He crouches down and picks up a handful of the rubble.

I crouch down beside him.

"We will rebuild Peeta." I kiss his cheek without thinking, and that is when I see them.


	11. Chapter 11: The price of fame

There in the distance, just across from us is a camera-with of course journalists. They got the shot. The shot of me extending my sympathy to Peeta, there will be no stops at the Hob tonight. I jerk Peeta up, and that's when he sees them too. Before I say anything, I start running, and running, leaving Peeta in the same spot. I run to the only person who will understand- Haymitch. I barge into his house and slam the front door shut. Haymitch jumps up from a nap with a knife in one hand. He drops it once he realizes it is me.

"Mockingjay, without her boy?"

"He's not my boy for one. And for two, we have a bigger problem." I spit out. "There is a camera crew here. They have hunted Peeta and I down."

Haymitch sneers out "We wouldn't have this problem if you two weren't ever seen together- now would we?"

"That's not what this is about."

"Yes it is. If you two weren't our flaunting your happiness-we would not have this situation!"

I start to cry, not because I am upset. I am furious, I am petrified. Haymitch walks another few steps towards me.

"Don't cry, sweetheart. I'll take care of this okay?"

I nod and dash to my house, I lock all of the three locks. All lights in my house are turned off; the last thing I want is them getting a picture of me. Balled up on the couch and almost completely out, there's a rattle of the door knob. No, no, no! Just go away. Do they have respect for privacy? Or sleeping for that matter? But there's a light tap on the door, and a familiar voice calling my name softly. Jumping up, I quickly unlock all of those holding the door shut. He comes in, and just as quickly as I unlocked, I lock them once again. Peeta sits down on the couch without a word. He doesn't have to say it, because I already know. Those blue eyes are an open book, and right now they spell out sorry.


	12. Chapter 12: A fire that finally has air

I am so enraged, how could he? How could he talk to them? How dare he! I contemplate slapping him across the face, but that isn't going to solve anything. My muscles are tensing, my shoulders are rising, my lips are quivering, my breath is growing heavier; I let out one scream and throw a punch into the wall. The sudden release of anger is comforting. There's a hole in the wall, but as for my hand it's starting to throb. It's throbbing really badly, and starting to swell. Without a glance at Peeta; whose eyes are on me, I sulk up the stairs into my bedroom's bathroom. Then and only then is when I let the tears of pain fall down my cheeks. I'm able to turn on the light only because the room is in the middle of the house, no windows to peep in. Holding my left hand into my body, I dig through the vanity's lower cabinet. There has to be a first aid kit in here somewhere. As I am searching, my pain is growing worse-thus my tears grow frequent. I don't even hear the footsteps on the stairs, so when I see him in the doorway I jump a little. He smirks a bit, but I just frown and continue the search for a medical kit. Peeta opens up the cabinet above and hands me the first aid kit- as if he knew it was there all along.

"Thanks." I mutter bitterly while snatching it from his hands.

I sit on the bathtub's edge and start to tend to my hand. Peeta hops up on the vanity. I'm trying to not be a baby about the pain, but I can't help but whimper while wrapping my hand. In a second though, despite the anger he knows I have; he comes over to me, kneels down and wraps my hand with gentle care. I won't make eye contact with him, but I do steal a few glances at him. On the fourth one, he looks up at me. I do not look away, I just hold that gaze. He finishes wrapping, even plants a small kiss on my- what I believe to be- broken hand. We both get changed for bed and meet where we have for almost the past two months. I have my back to him when he reaches out for me in the dark.

"I'm sorry." He whimpers out.

I sit straight up in bed, turning to look at his face. Why I want to scream, but I contain myself. He continues with his apology.

"I just thought maybe if I gave them what they wanted, they would leave us alone. That they would just go home. I didn't realize how distraught it would make you- you know I don't exactly like making you upset. Actually it's on my least favorite things to do list." He recovers from the slight side track.

"I told them about the bakery. How I planned on rebuilding it, and how that was like the first time I had seen it since I've been back. All questions about you, about us, I ignored. I pretended I didn't hear them and just kept emphasizing the plans I had for the bakery."

He pauses, but I don't give him my insight.

"-They um, they want me to do go to the capitol and do a baking segment." My eyes grow wide in the night. Peeta notices, sitting up he puts his hands over mine. His eyes are looking directly into mine.

"I'm not going. I'm not leaving you here." And as if it was old routine, I wrap my arms around him tightly.

"I'm sorry Peeta. It's not your fault they are here."

He sighs in a relieved manner. We both lay our heads down- Peeta's on a pillow, and mine on his chest. After a while, I whisper his name to see if he is still awake.

"Peeta?" I whimper.

"Yes?"

"I want you to know that the entire time we were apart, I missed you. Every damn night. It wasn't just waves, it was constant. All the time. And meanwhile everything else was moving so fast, so quickly, and me... well I felt like I was just moving in slow motion I was moving in slow motion, and everything around me was moving so fast. I want you to know that when we were on the beach, I felt something. Something that was so strong and it was like a hunger. It wasn't a part of any strategy, it wasn't faked. I felt it in the first arena-when I knew that you were alive, and that together we could go home. I felt it when you came back, before you-"

I clear my throat. "-strangled me. I don't want to keep secrets from you."

I prop myself up onto an elbow, with a serious expression I say,

"The other night you mumbled something in your sleep."

Completely taken off guard by my entire confession, it takes him a minute for it to click with him.

"What'd I say?"

I can't tell him, but I have to now. I brought it up, but how do you tell someone that subconsciously they confessed their love for you? So I don't say it with words, at least not right away. There's a fire burning inside of me and I let it have oxygen for the first time in a long time. Peeta is looking so curiously at me.

I lean over to him, letting my lips meet his for the first time in what seems like a lifetime. He's so bewildered. His lips register what is happening before his brain. He kisses me back, softly and eagerly-passionately. It's a kiss that finally isn't televised, in front of an audience, or for sponsors. It's real. We continue, just like this. I pull away though. Just in time to see his eyes flutter open, and a smile make its way across his face. I start apologizing, but he just shakes his head no. I put my head back to his chest and whisper:

"You said you loved me."

It gets real quiet. Probably contemplating the gravity of consequences the confession might cause, he finally speaks.

"I do. I don't think I ever really stopped. The capitol tried so very hard to make me hate you, but the feelings were buried so deeply inside- they just couldn't. I mean I guess they succeeded when I strangled you, but the longer I sat in that hospital bed- the longer I had time to think of you. It wasn't ever truly just you I was mad at; it was Haymitch, and President Snow, my family for not giving a crap if I came home or not…" He trails off.

"The capitol's hijacking just gave me a face of an enemy to hate- unfortunately it was yours."

"You never told me that."

"Prim knew. She knew…"

That names catches me off guard, I guess it's my turn to be de-railed tonight.


	13. Chapter 13: Confessions from District 13

**Hey there! I just want to thank all of those who have favorited this story, and are following. I also want to give a thank you to those just taking the time to read it. It means a lot. Reviews are always welcome. PS. I know where I am going with this story, but like everyone else- writer's cramp happens. So to all that are super into this, and want to be a help; you can message me, telling me what you think should happen next. I know it seems like everything is alright between the two of them, but more challenges are coming. If you have an idea, or just some insight FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME. I'll be giving credit to those ideas. Alrighty- now on with the show! Enjoy.**

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"S-she k-knew?" I stutter out.

"Katniss. She spent so much time with me in that hospital, trying to get me back to me. The real me. There was more then enough time for her to find out everything. And I think the reason why she was so adamant on getting me back, was because of her love for you. She knew you so much better than she led on. Prim understood, even then." He trails off.

I am in shock, not so much shock because I was aware of her efforts. I knew she was constantly in District 13's hospital, and I knew her number one patient priority was Peeta. But I am surprised because she never told me anything. I guess that's another thing she was good at- keeping secrets.

"Prim was smart. She made me question so many false accusations that were made against you. She'd ask me to tell her stories. She'd pick apart the facts from the falseness. I remember this one time, she asked me to tell her about our relationship. The one that was brodcasted to the rest of Panem- and when I was done, she said "You love her. You've always loved her. That's why you were so willing to make up those lies. It was to save her." I argued until dawn, but she was so. . .persistant. After she left, that's all I could think about. That's the day I called for you. Your sister gave me hope, that maybe- just maybe the old Peeta was inside of me. And he was- he was just buried under many layers."

I blink, making sure that this isn't just a dream.

"I finally understand." It's an almost whisper from my lips.

"I finally understand now. You planted the bushes because of what she was able to do for you! And it was the old Peeta, the real Peeta that gave me the can of lamb stew and stayed with me the night I hurt my ankle. It was the real you that made the perfectly timed compliment to Pollux, and the memories of the first games…And the way you pushed me ahead in the sewers of the capitol. It was really you."

He moves closer to me, his head resting on top of mine.

"I realized it when we were in the sewers, and in the capitol. I couldn't let you die. I had to protect you, I had to be there for you-even though I wasn't fully there myself. The layers of the hijacking were begining to crack even then." He quietly explains. I have a small tear of happiness running down my cheek. I'm estastic he really is here. He puts his hand to my tear and wipes it away softly. I don't know why it took this long for this conversation, or even why it took me this long to realize that it has been Peeta. The real Peeta who has been with me, just with slight complications, it's the boy with the bread.

I start whimpering into his chest, he comforts me.

"Welcome home" I whisper over and over again.

Peeta kisses my forehead, and soon enough we are gone from the world.


	14. Chapter 14: Kinda like before

My hand feels like it is on fire, and twice the size that it should be. That's what really wakes me up. Moving my hand slowly, I wince at the pain.

"Ow!" I try to be curtious to my partner, so I curse under my breath.

"Real or not?"

I'm confused, I was pretty sure he was asleep.

"Are you real?" He asks and pokes me. "You feel real."

Of course I am real. I pinch his arm.

"Okay, okay. You're definitely real." He chuckles, and I laugh slightly.

"We kissed last night. Real or not real?"

I can't help but smile at the question.

"Real."

The smile that is set upon his face after I answer- it's something I never thought I would see again. It's so innocent, so happy, so at peace. I start to rise out of bed for pain medication. Surprisingly Peeta isn't following- oh wait his leg. He doesn't have the prosthetic leg on. Otherwise he would've been right behind me, or getting it for me. In the bathrrom mirror, I am able to see Peeta. He looks peaceful, rested. Opening the upper cabinet I take a look at myself in the mirror, there's a light in my eyes. At least I think that's what it might be. My face is still hard, a face of a warrior, a fighter. But it isn't as intense. I guess Peeta is the reason. After downing the pain medication, I bounce into bed, next to him once more. He's giving me that look- that look he had for me before our separation, he's looking at me the same way he looked at the sunset; like a blind man seeing for the first time. I don't see why I am anything to look at like that. I'm just a broken girl, who is hot tempered, lacks manners and is not exactly the most plesant person. I push that from my mind. Instead of trying to push the emotions away, I just lightly smile at him now. He's here. With me, really with me. He leans in a lets our lips meet once again. It's short, but meaningful. He breaks our second kiss. The look in his eyes is really his. Neither of us say anything because this isn't the time for more confessions; it's not even the time to talk. We said what we had to say last night. Every feeling, every mixed up-messed up emotion is out there now. However it is the time for Haymitch to ruin a moment.


	15. Chapter 15: Impulsive decisions

He has a key to my house; well actually we all have keys to each other's houses. Peeta suggested it when he was finally able to return to our district. If we all had a key to the other ones house, no one would have to worry, because the last thing any of us need is the stress of not knowing whether or not the other two were okay. At this particular moment, I am wishing Haymitch never had one. He flings the bedroom door open.

"I did it Mockingjay. They are gone." Pause. "For now. We all know they will return."

Peeta's eyebrows rise. "How?"

"Does it matter boy?"

Chiming in I say "I'll tell you how- he warded them off by just being Haymitch." I smirk sarcastically at my old mentor.

For the first time, he doesn't scold me for my remark. He chuckles, as does Peeta. I break out into a laugh too. It's like something from a dream, because up until this point, none of us had shared a laugh. Haymitch notices my wrapped hand. His head gestures towards it.

"She was mad." Peeta states. "So she punched the wall downstairs. The wall didn't take the damage she did."

Peeta's laughter continues, he snorts. The phone rings. Peeta clearly can't walk at this point, and Haymitch won't answer, so I make my way down the stairs alone.

"Hello?"

"Well, how's my girl on fire?" His voice is chipper. It's Plutarch Heavensbee.

"Fine. She's fine. Can I help you with something?"

"I'm glad you asked! I was thinking we could do an interview with you and Pee-"

I slam the phone back into the receiver. At this point, Haymitch and Peeta are downstairs. He must've helped him with his leg I think to myself.

"T-they want an interview. They asked for an interview!" I blurt out slowly.

Peeta comes right over and pulls me into his arms. He knows how I feel. Haymitch and I catch each other's gaze. We have a communication all our own. Right now he's asking what the hell is going on. And I'm telling him to just shut up, and be happy nobody is crying. He shrugs and takes a seat in a living room chair.

I am still in Peeta's embrace.

"So what're you gonna do? I can't ward off phone calls." Peeta releases me.

"I don't know. I don't know…" I say. I'm getting upset, I need to calm down. The medications prescribed to me are just around the corner. I excuse myself to take them. Peeta doesn't follow, he knows. He understands. Staring out the window, above the sink in the kitchen; I begin pondering if Peeta was right. Maybe if he and I agree to an interview, on _our _conditions, they really would leave us alone. Before the games I was never really impulsive, but since all of that I am. Only with certain things though.

Haymitch and Peeta are conversing. Hesitantly I pick up the phone, and dial Plutarch's number. He answers.

"Miss Everdeen!"

I decide to tell him everything before he can get a word in.

"Listen, We will give you an interview, Peeta will come to you to do a baking session, but it will be on our conditions. You can film the two of us in District 12, the day the new City Hall is to open. There will be no house visits, no camera crews outside our homes-not even Haymitch's, there will be no talk of the games-just life as it is now..."

Neither of the two in the other room even noticed I was on the phone until now. Haymitch's facial expression says "What in the world are you doing?"

Peeta's says "Katniss! Why?"

I ignore them both and continue before all momentum is lost.

"Plutarch, Peeta will come for the segment, but will return back to District 12 in four days. Do we understand each other?"

He's chuckling on the other end of the phone.

"Yes, Miss Everdeen. We understand each other." He's sly, so I make myself clear.

"Neither- None of us want this. After this, there will be no more interviews. Peeta and I are retiring. We'd like to be left alone."

Silence on the other end of the line.

"We can't even do an interview about the relationship?" I groan. I can't do this. Peeta comes right over and takes the phone from my hand.

"Look. She's being brave by doing this. Whatever you just offered- You can forget it! Our terms or no deal." He's upset; I'm assuming it is because of how upset he sees I am.

"Glad we have an understanding. We'll be in touch."

Peeta hangs up the phone and comes over to me.

Haymitch gets the first words.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Peeta's waiting for an answer too. All though he just protected me, he clearly wants an explanation.

I don't even bother looking at Haymitch, my answer is directed as if Peeta asked the question.

"I-I just thought that if we gave them one last, final interview, we would finally be free. No more public lives. We'll be able to live without every move broadcasted. I did it on my terms, I just thought-" My voice disappears.

"You just thought what sweetheart? That they will leave you alone for good? What happens when you and that boy get married? What happens when you two decide to have a family?" His voice is mocking, brutal, but truthful. I don't even bother arguing. I just cover my face with my hands, burying it.

Peeta pulls my hands away and puts his hands on either side of my face.

"Together Katniss." He seems to forget our old mentor is in the room, but he doesn't bother caring. He kisses me softly.

"Our terms." He says.

A raspy throat clear breaks what Peeta built.

"I'm glad this..." He gestures to the two of us. "-Is finally happening, it's about damn time, but you just started something I won't be able to protect you two from!"

"We will be fine. We've been through much worse..." Peeta states.

Haymitch locks eyes with me.

"What happens when he forgets, or you forget-and that" He puckers his lips in a kissing expression. "-happens again. You'll never get rid of them. They'll catch on to you sharing a house."

"Then we all sleep at yours." Peeta has an answer and a solution for everything.

"That way no one will think anything of Katniss and I leaving the same house. I can't just leave her…" Haymitch looks to be understanding.

"Fine then, boy. I'm not cleaning."

"It's not like you ever go upstairs anyways…"

"Nope, never been used." He says quickly.

No one says anything after that. Peeta and I are staring at each other, Haymitch leaves without either of us noticing- until the obnoxious slam of the door. The sound of the door slamming startles me a little. I haven't been good with loud noises in quite some time.


End file.
